The truth about motherhood. What is the truth about motherhood? And is it “the” truth, or “my truth”. For those of you who know me… you know that for me my truth is THE truth 
So, my truth about motherhood is that all moms are superheros. ALL moms. And not in the “Wonder woman” I can do it all and still look good kind of way- that is BS. I mean REAL superheros with super powers like giving birth for one! Or the ability to go more days than you’d care to count without any sleep and still function… and not only function, but be responsible for and nurture a whole other human being. And the greatest superpower of all- the ability to surrender. We may not all be born with that super power, but it is available to all of us.
Since I have become a mom I feel like I have been initiated into a secret society of superheros… now when I see other moms on the street there is a knowing glance that passes between us, like truck drivers or Hells Angels on the highway- it is the nod that says “I feel ya sister” or “You really do look beautiful with that spit up on your shirt.”
What else…? The truth is that we now have a lot more knowledge about babies and what their needs are and so the level of expectations on mothers has gone way up but most moms have been given no tools for how to get there. The truth is that most women are so out of touch with their bodies that natural child birth is a miracle if it can happen. The truth is that most women have almost no ability to meditate- to sit with their own mind and not freak out. So sitting for 12- plus hours a day to breastfeed a newborn just plain aint gonna happen. It is no wonder breastfeeding is becoming a lost art. The truth is that most people don’t even have a concept of what their nervous system is let alone how to strengthen it so you can handle the unbelievable stress of being a new mom.
The truth is that it is rare that you are “so in love” with this little human at first… you are stunned, overwhelmed, grateful, exhausted, hungry, and terrified… with moments of complete bliss tossed in. And the truth is that the completely pure and unconditional love you do feel for your new child is so unlike any kind of love you’ve ever experienced that the intimacy and vulnerability of it all is enough to actually make you weep. It is so terrifying to love someone that much; it is easier to shut down to it then feel it… because you will have to watch this little child be in pain, to be disappointed (some times by you), to have their heart broken… and there is nothing you can do to save them from it.
The truth is that if you really honestly forgive your mother for any perceived wrongs, it truly will make you a better mother.
The truth is that teething sucks- babies should be born with teeth. Enough said.
The truth is that women weren’t meant to do this without lots of other women around them. But sadly, most moms end up spending the majority of their time alone in their homes, feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Asking for help and then ACCEPTING that help has been almost completely written out of the rule book in our culture and so it is a hard thing to change.
The truth is that ALL moms do the best that they can at all times, but sadly the guilt of not matching up to the unreachable standard that has been set is enough to debilitate us sometimes.
And finally, the truth is that despite all of this it is an incredible honour to birth a child and to raise and nurture them into adulthood. There aren’t words to describe the complete and total enrapture you will feel with this tiny being. It makes you want to raise your head high, and proudly carry the title of MOM.
I love it Bir Kaur. You are and doing amazing!
Sat Nam Bir Kaur,
Great to see you here – giving voice to the experience of Mom. I hope lots of women find this blog and benefit from your lived experience as a teacher and a mother.
Love Fateh
Caitlin sent me the link to your page … as another new mom, all I can say is “you hit the nail on the head!”
Every bit of what you’ve written here is so true, from that mythical “instant bond” with your new child, to the knowing looks between moms, and the lost art of breastfeeding … and, most particularly, the lack of supports for new moms.
I have been utterly confounded since my son was born last summer as to why in our culture women are expected to do it all, alone, and be great at it, and look good doing it, etc. etc. and to admit you’re overwhelmed is a weakness! There are very very few cultures around the world where there isn’t a built-in support network for mothers from the second that child is born.
In lieu of that, I’ve found the second-best thing … lots of other new moms to bond with!!! There is nothing like seeing your own experiences mirrored by someone going through the same thing at the same time.
If only there were more opportunities for women to be sisters, instead of competitors!
Keep up the writing!
I am so happy you are doing this valuable and timely blog. When you were born, my own Mom was way across the country from us in Edmonton. I was new to the city, and luckily very much helped by my mother-in-law… I don’t know how I could have managed without her. Thank God for her, and the wisdom of a mom of 6 children. Of course all moms back then had the “super-woman” model in front, of us, and parents wanted to know why we couldn’t measure up, so did society. Women were just emerging from “male tyranny”, not my words, but you get the picture. Rather than giving anything up, I believed in the romantic ideal of “white picket fences” and the “sacrifice” of parenthood. It was a “no-brainer” for me, I was not a “feminist”, but I was an idealistic young person fully devoted to the “hippie” code of “make love, not war”.
I was fortunate to meet other new moms whose husbands worked with Dad, and I was supported and gave support to them.
My experience as an RN in both normal and neo-natal ICU, made me quite full of knowledge, and willing to share with anyone who wanted… I felt confident with you as a newborn, and as a baby. I’m so grateful that I can be part of this our precious boy’s life, and grateful that you want me to be involved. I know many friends who don’t want their moms anywhere near their families.
My own mom pined for you and C and unfortunately all your grandparents were gone by the time you reached 8 years.
Perhaps a tide of the need and benefits of “extended families” will be brought back inot our culture. I don’t want to move in with you and Ryan, noooooo….I just want to be here for you, Ryan and your children. Way to go, my “brave little princess.”
You write wonderfully Bir Kaur. Please keep the blogs coming. Your warrior princess shines through these posts.
Namaste,
Shannon
If we could only have more of the real thing. Where women did’t feel the constant pressure to be on top of there game at all times.
It’s a good week around my house when I get my shower in by Wednesday. When I get two in one week well that’s just shy of a miracle.
Making sure they have the newest, greatest, fastest, prettiest THING on the market seems to be what fills the minds of a lot of new Mom’s. When really if they could slow down long enough they would realize that none of these things matter to there new precious babies.
They just want to be loved.
I watch so many Parents miss out on the experience of there little one growing up because they were never able to make the true “Sacrifice”
I love that your sharing your experience with all who want to be a part of it.
Keep up the amazing work!
I look forward to reading future entries.
Wow BK that little blog was enlightening as well as gave me a stronger realization of motherhood that I am excited to experience in the near future.
I come from a place where I am not yet a mum and I grew up without a mum and experienced a horrible step-mum. So the word Mum sometimes leaves me feeling mixed up and sad. But after reading that piece makes me think and understand more about why my life was maybe the way it was as far as mums go. In turn it makes me able to forgive more to let go of even more of the bad stuff that I carry around. Although I’m doing pretty good with that stuff these days as I grow more into womanhood. In doing so will help me become a better Mum when my journey starts with my little peeps to give them all the love and wonderful mum stuff I’ve never had. I will definitely remember to ask for help when I’m in that time of being overwhelmed and stressed out and I promise to practice meditating more (it’s just so hard)…..
It’s funny how I just stumbled across this blog but it was so meant to be for today so thanks BK….
Lots of love always…
Libx